its my life ..

2006-11-09T04:33:00.000-08:00

most of those who are hopeless romantic, those who are looking for their soulmates, believed that they can, somehow, get a lover, who'll end up having a happy ending. but not all couples end up this way. many have risked their hearts, break them. some, after breaking up with someone, doesn't yet want to have aonther relationship because they're not yet ready falling in love .. they can not yet afford getting hurt.
it hurts when we love someone and it ends up getting broken. but what hurts even more is risking our hearts, falling in love, although .. we know that .. we are waiting for nothing.
... hard to accept the truth .. reality. maybe it's true that fairy tales are the only ones that get a happy ending. how i wish i was one of those princesses who met their soulmates - or prince, and end up marrying them. how lucky! but i believe we shouldn't rush ourselves when it comes to falling in love. there's a perfect time for everything. a time where everything happens. so .. we shouldn't rush for it. it will come on our own.

i wuld like to share this phrase to you .. i really like it. this was last year. when we were about to go home, me and my busmates tuned in at 97.1. their songs are nice, most of which are love songs; since it is valentines day. then one dj said someone texted him and he would like to share it to everyone. so here it goes: when you want to have a butterfly, don't run or catch it. instead, open your hand and it will come to you." as the same with getting in love. so .. don't rush it, love will come to you.

2006-11-09T04:32:00.000-08:00

It's hard falling in love. risking everything you have in life just to be with your loved one. its hard loving the wrong way. Its just like you can never let go of a star when it was never at your reach. you can never reach your destination if you never risked taking a journey. and .. .. you can never lose someone you never had.
i also shared the same fate with others. it happened last year. i loved someone who, i know, can't just love me back. well, i continued .. you know .. loving the person .. but as each day passed, its .. its really hard. hard for me to forget because its really hard to hold on even if you know you're waiting for nothing. hard for me to accept the truth. hard for me to find another person to stop loving that person .. :`(

2006-10-28T05:22:00.000-07:00

senti mode. haha. no. just kiddin. a bit.

doesn't matter anyway. i just don't want to fall for someone who isn't really for me. it hurts. finding out that the one you like, has another purpose -

whatever. come what may. i'll just wait for tweenie to get online. -_-

2006-10-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

wee! exams are over! a lil bit of project-making + remedial HO + outbound .. then leads to sembreak! :)) one major activity down! :P

2006-10-18T22:06:00.000-07:00

was it all because of the stupid dream that was really bothering me? i hope not.

first day of the quarterly exam. [major] twas kind of shitty if you ask me. i studied, prepared for the test especially in chemistry. CLE was fine. but chem was reeaaally hard. i wasn't able to finish the test! we even extended our time [though it was only ten minutes .. ]. i was mental blocked. there were some questions i skipped, and like ended up not answering it. i skipped it so i could answer the others before i ran out of time, but it was useless. careless dn! i didn't know we're supposed to use the hund's rule! iunno what's wrong. damn.

2006-10-18T03:36:00.000-07:00

had a very nice wake up call awhile ago. grb. :))

i was really sleepy. after i woke up, i slept again. i have this weird dream about ..... wla na sha sa schl ee. nwei. she sounds like she's crying. i was talking to her on mobile, i can hear her, but she can't hear me. iont know what happened to her. dko na sha nccontact.

nwei. i reeaaally hate creepy crawlies. especially the ones that you usually see, nkadikit sa wall. lizard! yikes. everyone in my fam knows about that. aioko nga mkakita ng lizard ee, makalapit pa kaia . :))

kninang morning, while in the school bus, we were at the last house, before pmunta ng schl. twas a quiet morning, suddenly dsturbed by our shrieking and screaming. :))
my sister called my attention. i snobbed her thinking na nanttrip nnaman sha. pero nung pnancn ko, she told me na mai lizard daw sa window. in short, mai lizard sa tabi ko!!
imagine our reaction! cee rachelle sumigaw din ee. :)) as in non-stop. :)) eh we were seated in front, beside the driver, eh eung driver wla dun, bumaba ng bus. we really wanted to go out of the bus, pero di kami pwde dumaan dun sa side ko since andun eung lizard. :)) iunno how it got there .. weird.
we were trying to get out of the bus, pero antagal bgo kme nkalabas. cgaw ln ng cgaw. :))
ngcng ata nmen mga tao sa schl bus. scandalous thing eun ah. :))
pero grbe. kun mai spy cam eun, then nkta ng iba, sobrang humor. :))

2006-10-17T04:45:00.000-07:00

021506

i was waiting for you to return, but you never came back home ..

i thought you'll never leave me. but i understand. sorry if i wasn't able to fight my feelings for you. at least you've decided ..
it's better off this way. to go on with our own lives .. in different paths .. it's just that i can't forget you .. but somehow i will ..
i have to learn to let you go .. to hold off to our memories.
it was you who lifted me up when i was down. who helped me stood up on the ground, stood up for what i believe in, for letting me see and appreciate the world when i can't, you who held me when i lost my grip, you never left me alone .. you were always the person whom i turn on to when i need someone to be there.
i never should have let you go. my heart longs for you. i want to be with you again. but maybe through this i could pay back all the things you've done .. for the sufferings i've caused, for the pains i gave you and all ..
i hope you'll be happy in whatever path you'll take ., i'll just be here for you .. stay right here .. hoping, wishing and waiting ... ***

-excerpts from my personal journal.

2006-10-16T05:24:00.000-07:00

as usual. it's been long since i last updated this blog. :)) lately, you may have not heard of me, or the things i usually do. i'm not that open to things or to my feelings anymore ..

haha. just kiddin. but really. i have stuffs to do.

i wasn't in a good mood by then. especially lately. iont know if i acted too much or what - but that was really how i felt.

and it was a bit embarrassing in my part - like i was humiliated in front of a mass. heehee.

twas good jentan's still there - helping me .. if it wasn't for her, i wouldn't have survive. haha.

no. but i reeally, reeally wanna thank you. i'll be here for you no matter what. tweenie kta ee. sna nbbasa mo toh. :)

2006-10-16T05:15:00.000-07:00

-- you left me here with nothing to be done, but to think of you .. and you are the only thing .. that keeps on running in my mind ..

as i close my eyes
i can feel your burning breath
your hug as cold as fiery ice,
that brings me to my sudden death.

the cold ice that blows on my face
the tears in my eyes dropped as i started to gaze
reminiscin the days when you're with me,
happy moments with you, lettin them all be.

your warm hands caressing my face
as i looked at you, on your eyes i dazed
i felt that as long as i'm with you i can never falter;
as long as i'm with you, i can never go weak.

my eyes are on you
you felt the same way too
loving you all the way
making a blissful, lasting day

oh how i long to stay by your side
just by thinking of you, i could have nearly died
but you're all that matters to me
you're all the things i want to see.

you're all i could wish for
these things running in my mind,
you're smile is all i could think of,
day and night ..

be my escape,
don't let things harm us ..
we're gonna spend our time together ..
loving you the best way i could ..
understanding you as long as i could ..

come be with me, run with me in eternal bliss.

2006-09-29T06:52:00.000-07:00

wlaln. iunno what's up with the senti mood. haha. ima bit lonely right now. you know the feeling like something's lacking? or should i say the feeling of being incomplete? hehe. laln. not in the mood right now. at this moment, i just reeeally want to talk to someone.

so, this is my life. and i want you to know, that i am both happy and sad and I am still trying to figure out how could that be ..

2006-09-08T08:13:00.000-07:00

just came home. from the retreat. i'll miss father bosi. :)) he's good you know.
anyhow. nothing much to tell. this day's kind of tiring. daryll! xoree.
how can i be so ..
i didn't notice. haha. mixed thoughts. natatawa ako na ewan. daryll and i have the same bag. i didn't know! i got hers.
xoree. i really didn't know. sna di ka galit.
and oh, by the way, today was supposed to be the distribution of report cards. but then mrs. cruz left early, so we didn't have the chance to get our cards.
since nsb ko na cee mrs. cruz, i noticed she likes grass. :)) "keep off the grass". just kiddin. :) she's kind. compared to our previous adviser.
nway, aioko muna ngkasala. even for a few days. kkgaling lng ng retreat ee. maybe after a few days, back to normal. :)) just kiddin! c;

2006-09-05T17:10:00.000-07:00

haha. retreat na! i was at school na knina. i joined the first trip. pero wla cee rachelle. she'll be fetch at approximately 8:3o. so .. i've decided to go back home. lol. :D wlaln. wla dn nman akong ggwin dun ee.
and so i thought ako lng ol ngeun. wrong. cee ira dn! lol. :D mga psaway. wla atang balak pumasok. haha. just kiddin. :)
nwei. i'm about to go. no internet for THREE days. oh well. fine. just a lil sacrifice. it won't hurt. ;)

2006-08-31T05:24:00.000-07:00

still living in the past. can't believe im stuck here. it happened a year ago. but then, it's hard for me to forget all about it. iunno. i find it difficult. it hurts. but it's not my comfort zone. i have to let go of it for me to be able to grow and to move on. but there's this thing that stops me from doing it. maybe because i was deeply hurt and i could not forget it. i mean, yea. maybe i can. but not now. not that easy.
ma'am told me that she won't be able to come to the retreat. aw. that hurts. i was planning to talk to her and open my pent-up feelings.
honestly, i haven't moved on. everytime i remember it, it still hurts. it even makes me cry. :( i just want to forget it. like what they say, past is past. but then i just couldn't. maybe because there was no forgiveness, that's why, up to now, though i want to forget it, there's something that's holding me back.
and though i don't want to attend the retreat, i have to.

2006-08-30T04:36:00.000-07:00

maybe i'm not on the right track.

it worked for patsab.

i did what she did.

maybe ts because i didn't accept the fact that ..

.....

a little more.

if this time, it really WON'T work out,

iont know.

it'll be gone.

2006-08-29T04:04:00.000-07:00

phew. kinda busy this week. also next week. prang wla nding ggwin. haha. thursday, august 31, celebration of Linggo ng Wika. friday, september 1, first friday mass then theatre playing of florante and laura at afp theatre (again). :)) then next week, september 6-8, wednesday to friday, retreat at tagaste, tagaytay (again.) then september 8 .. cards out. phew.
kaia toh. haha.

i'm having this plan not to attend the retreat. iunno if kaia.

whenever i think of retreat, there are only if's and buts ..

that's all i could think of.

but i have to. i mean attending the retreat.

sna kaianin.

please ln..

nwei. kaia toh. bt ko ba iniicp? hehe. i'll be fine. I WILL.

2006-08-18T08:22:00.000-07:00

9 Hardest Things In Life

1. Being Question when you yourself don't understand.

2. Pretending to be innocent of what you know about.

3. Trying to forget something you know you
never will.

4. Admitting you were wrong after you have been so
consistent that you were right.

5. Debating with yourself.

6. Accepting the fact that something's not meant
to be.

7. trying to understand when you really can't.

8. Realizing that you have been tricked after you
have given your whole trust.

9. Parting & letting go of someone you have
learned to love.

-- man. soo true. :)

2006-08-18T06:15:00.000-07:00

i was looking for adventure and thrill few days back. actually knina din ee. hehe. i don't know, but i found myself searching and reading articles about some scary crap. am i trying to scare myself? lol. :)) yesterday, we were told to research in the library for an assigment (effects of the war between israel and lebanon). i wasn't really doing the assignment. instead, i read some books. then after, we went up. back to the classroom. we formed a circle at the back then told some scary stuffs. the horror began. lol. :))
honestly, i don't believe in them. i rarely get those goosebumps. except maybe if i'm feeling cold. hehe. twas funny, the same time i enjoyed the stories, since i was like searching for some scary stories. mybe just to thrill myself.
but then, some of it, i think it really happened. i don't know. i just got the feeling that it DID happen. haha.

2006-08-02T19:50:00.000-07:00

my computer broke down about a week ago. twas just fixed last night. that's why i never had a chance to update my blog.
i'm currently in the comp. sci.lab today. tf already did our group project. now we're done. we were allowed to surf the net.
nwei. we just finished our chinese wedding ceremony. gawd. my feet hurts. my shoes are tight. i think. too bad. my classmates won't lend me their slippers. they're all using it. i should have brought mine. :(
soo tiring. i hope we don't have discussions later on.
oh anyway, migui's coming back today! i chatted with her last night. i soo miss her.

2006-07-23T23:35:00.000-07:00

representatives for puerto rico in ms. universe has always been pretty. except for the one they have right now. She has small shoulders, she was small compared to the rest, has a big mouth. hehe. anway. i was reaally expecting that the ms. universe will be the rep. for japan. but she became the 1st runner-up. I think it's because of the q&a portion. The interpreter for japan misunderstood the question. the question was about humanity but her answer was about man and woman. the difference between them. haha.
good thing there was no classes today. i was able to watch ms. universe. haha.
last night, some already told me about it. I didn't believe them because i thought the class was suspended because of the State of the Nation Address or most likely called sona. But then it was suspended because of the non-stop raining.
The first quarter exams will be next week. With today's suspension of classes, we can patch up things and continue to do our projects. We really are busy for the month's activity, projects and exams. By the end of the week, we'll submit ALL the projects. gawd. i hope we can finish right on time.

2006-07-10T02:43:00.000-07:00

.."no one else come close to you, no one makes me feel the way you do, you're so special girl to me, and you'll always be eternally, everytime i hold you near, you always say the words i love to hear, girl with just one touch, you can do so much, no one else come close .." *sings*

haha. soundtrippin while doing the movie review for Little Manhattan. aw. young love. twas funny. the guy's cute. :) haha. they were about 11 years old. the guy really likes her. he believes that he's in love with the girl. even though the girl was just like, eleven years old, she was mature enough to think that she wasn't prepared for a relationship - she's not yet ready to fall in love.

haha. there you go. sypnosis. yey! just remembered sumthin,. half day tom! haha. but we still need to do our project in health (uh, actually project in health and music. combined. we were supposed to compose a song regarding health, and record it in cd format). i still have to finalize our lyrics.and then, we still have to study for the quiz and unit tests in thurs. gawd. then half day again on fri! yeey! sn kpa?? dlawang half day sa isang week! wahahah. :))

2006-06-29T03:51:00.000-07:00

in span of 36 hours, i was able to finish the teen idol. i prefer all-american girl than this one. its coolerr. :D uh, the ending was, she fell for her childhood friend. yea. that's nice, but i was hoping that there would be an argument in the story. i mean between the nice childhood friend and this teenage star hottie. but, nevermind. haha. one part i really liked in the book:

and suddenly it was like, even though it was still dark out - and to tell you the truth, a little chilly in my chiffony dress - the sun had come out.

Seriously. It felt like the sun had come out and was pouring down all over me, warming me.

"I went to the Spring Fling with Luke", I explained, feeling dazzled by the way he was looking down at me ... like i mattered, "because he asked me to go with him. Not because I'm in love with him, Scott. In fact, I'm probably the only girl in this entire town who isn't in love with him. and never was."

"Is that really true?" Scott reached out and grabbed one of my hands, then held it - not tightly but not exactly like he was going to let go of it anytime soon, either - in both his own. "Then you're okay with him and ... him and Geri? You don't ... You were never ...?"

"No, of course not." I couldn't help laughing. I felt like I was in a movie. The sun was shining, little birds were tweeting around my head. I thought any second a rainbow might break out, and a show choir would appear singing. "I was never in love with Luke - " and then - amazing but true - it just kind of slipped out. The truth. As easily as if we'd been talking about books or something.

" - the way I am with you. "

aw. isn't that sweet? sweetest thing a guy could hear. ohmygod. haha. it's just so .. sweet. :D That's the reason why the girl don't date. Because she was waiting for her friend, like to ask her out. and in the story, she wasn't aware that she had feelings for the guy. But the guy knew his all along. omg. haha. sweet. like it occured to me? haha. twas funny. i was blushing while reading the book. i felt it. hehe. :P

2006-06-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

>excerpts from the all-american girl<
(part i loved the most. haha.)

and the number-one reason i am likely to die young :

1. My heart is broken.

It really is. All the signs are there. I can't sleep, I can''t eat - not even
burgers. Everytime the phone rings,my pulse leaps ... but it's never for me. It''s never HIM.

I realize it is my own fault - I messed everything up myself. But that doesn't make it feel any better. Self-inflicted wound or not, it"s still there.

And the fact is, human beings can"t really function with a broken heart. I mean, sure, I could live without David. But what
kind of life would it be? An empty-hell sort of life. I mean, I h a perfect chance at love, and I blew it. BLEW IT! Due to the fact that even though my eyes were open, I was not seeing. I wasn't seeing at all.

2006-06-23T04:12:00.000-07:00

yey! 3-day vacation. no classes on mon. :D woah. this day was quite .. i don't know. :P
quite pathetic. but. twas alright. :D

quite pathetic because:

*we have three unit tests.

*trixie wasn't feeling well earlier this day. (iunno why i'm affected by this. uhm. maybe because i just couldn't enjoy the company of tf without trixie. c;)

*i was called by our trigo teacher. (well, i was taking down notes, listening, at the same time, reading a book, which i think she noticed that's why she called my attention. my hands were quite shaking because i didn't know how she came up with the coordinates. haha. but i get the part wherein you solve for the basics and filling up the chart.

but the day was quite goodsince:

*trixie wasn't sick at all. just had a headache. but i think she's ok now. since i saw her at plant with razzel and hazel. :D

*though i was called, i had answer her question. good thing i copied everything she had written on the board few days ago. :) keepin track of my notes.

*and. i. just. finished. reading. the book. :D ohmygod. the book was good! like what ching said. :D

woah. way to go. :D

2006-06-20T04:19:00.000-07:00

phew. wow. no classes on monday, june 26. due to the PTA Organization on Sunday. surprisingly, we have shortened classes on fri. dismissal time will be 2 pm. but before anything, at the same day, we're gonna have 3 unit tests! sn kpa?! we've just started the school year, and now we're gonna have 3 unit tests! looks like we need to undergo to lots of these, before having our 3-day vacation.
but hopefully, i know we can do it. come what may. i'll really try to be responsible this time. hihi. ok. i'll do it.
i barely have time to read books. on free time, i will. i would also like to learn basic french (because of history, we are told to researh on 1 language, and give 5 words. but i gave 17. c:). that is, if i still have time.
oh i will. :)

2006-06-16T06:44:00.000-07:00

haii. as always. antagal ko ng di nauupdate ang blog ko. iont even know if i'll still keep this even though iont have time to update this ., nwei. today wasn't that good. i wore my hooded jacket the whole day! haha. ts because i'm having a hard time adjusting to people. honestly, iont think i have recovered from the "muse thingy" incident last year. memories are still fresh in my mind. though i know i have to learn from it, it's just so hard not to think about it.
early this morning, while having our daily worship, my eyes were like filled with tears. i was bothered by this thing a night ago. and i couldn't help thinking bout what had happen before. it just keeps on running - through my mind. i was completely bothered - i didn't do the things i need to do. i wasn't in the mood. i felt bad.
my insecurity grew when of course, as everyone knows, i'm the last girl in our row. i don't have a seatmate - just frontmates. my classmates used to tease me, being the last girl in the row, and being the last number - not that i took it personally, but it adds to my thinking (whether people are true or not). i just felt alone. damn. i hate the feeling. i soo hate it. iont want to feel that way. i want to sit beside ching, but we're not allowed to transfer. i want to go to richelle's place, but i can't. i grew sadder.
and awhile ago, health time. i just can't take it. the feelings burst out. i don't know how it happened. it just happened.
but now, i think we're fine. but i still don't know whose problem is it. is it theirs because they made me feel this way last year? or is it mine because i wasn't able to adjust - regarding to waht happened last year, ?

2006-04-25T07:44:00.000-07:00

as i sit here in the window thinking of you,
why do you always make me so blue?
just the thought of you crossing my mind
there's a strange new feeling i can find.

Ever since you've been here
everytime you go near,
my mind starts to wander
thinking of you and me together.

Starting to build illusion
that often leads to confusion,
nice memories starts to fade away
everything seems so lost, i don't know what to say. :c

I've loved you before
though you have closed the door
still, i stood there waiting for you,
i thought you were falling too.

It was a strange feeling
hard to deal with your feelings
but then i was wrong
i need to walk for a mile long.

You used to know me,
you knew my deepest desires,
my point of view
though i don't know how you got a clue.

But then while waiting for you,
i found another person too ..
the person who made me feel complete
the one who made my heart skip thrice a beat.

He made me feel complete
love me more than you ever did
but then you knew
there's a sudden change in the way i do.

I felt sad
I felt bad
since you start making me feel, that hurts deep inside,
causing a bruise that i need to hide.

Could it be possible?
that the one i used to love the most,
has returned my favor,
and has loved me back too?

How come you didn't tell me,
i've almost waited you for all my life ..
but i think it's too late
for this is not my fate.

Why'd you have to let go?
Why didn't you just say no?
you made my life hard for me,
you can't do nothing, it's too late, so let it be.

If i could just stop the time
and bring it back
to where we've been so close
where summer ends so soon,
to where the sky fades to the deep blue moon.

If i could undo the things
and correct all wrong things that brings pain in me,
i would, just to let it be.

Why do things have to happen on the wrong time?
It's too wrong to have you mine.
If your love's eternal,
If you can still wait for me,
whatever happens,
i'll still be in love with you
even in my next life,
i hope you'll look for me ..
and feel the same way too.

--made: 091205, 15:o8 pm--

--UNTITLED--

-- s t i l l p e n d i n g --

2006-04-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

hmm. living a sane, normal life. carefree. :) i like it this way. just living life to day-to-day. though problems come my way, it'll pass. :) for each trial solved, it makes me indestructible for small trials. i don't easily fall for small problems. and for trials, the more pain it has caused you, the greater the lesson you'll learn from it. :)

2006-04-19T08:24:00.000-07:00

my day has been good. twas my sister's 13th birthday. we went to g4. gmik. anyway. iont want to ruin this day because of some sort of -- whatever. i was just trying to help him. but he never helps himself. that's why nothing happens. he just dpend it to others. if i could just tell him "would you stop being narrow minded?! as if killing yourself will be the last resort. can't you think other ways on how to solve your problems?!" as if you'll do it, i mean kill yourself in the first place.
i hope you'll realize someday na you have to get up on your feet, and be independent. look inside you to see what's the real problem. i wanted to say this before pa, but i can't. now, i can't tolerate this anymore. you keep on fooling people. ako nman, naniniwala, because i trust you. i believe you. why do you have to use this to fool other people? why can't you just stop this foolishness?
i know i have my own flaws and all. but you're hurting others. its not good. you're being selfish. you know, i've been trying my best to help you. but you're just leaving it. your pride is too high. you can't help yourself either. tzk. i hope you'll start to change. even if it means it'll take lot of time.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

whatever! i've had enough! do what you want to do. go ruin your life. i don't care anymore. enough is enough.

2006-04-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

anway. i almost forgot. for those people who continually send those crappy chain messages, would you please stop it? whoever made it, what's with the nutty idea? maybe people will say na wala nmang mawawala eh. yeah right. you're like flooding my inbox. i respect your decision if you believe in those texts, but please, don't send it to me. send it to others.

2006-04-18T06:38:00.000-07:00

i thought that i was going to be okay after the stay at tagaytay. i thought i can have a lot of time to think about things, whatsoever. but, yeah. it isn't a big deal. but, it would be the dumbest and useless thing to do if i continue on playing this game. like i'm being a good friend to them. what they don't know is it hurts when you're trying to help someone with their problem, when you know, that problem can affect you and make things difficult for you. why do we always have to fall for the wrong person? do the "perfect moment" comes once in a lifetime?

2006-04-12T02:14:00.000-07:00

nothing. really. got nothing to do. (except maybe i need to fix my things. but beside that, i've got nothing to do.) just want to slip away from the world i've known. the world where i knew everything. knew that everything wouldn't be the same. damn. it's as if i'm drowning in the deep abyss of darkness. like the air you breathe is insufficient. it feels like you're choking. no one tries to help. darkness has absorbed your being. but you have to fight this kind of feeling. you'll just be drowning in confusion and chaos. i have to keep up. struggle. i'll do anything to bring back the old "me". regain what i have lost.
for the meantime, i'll be out. i'll miss you peepz. :)

you get hurt not by saying "goodbye", but by what comes after it ~

2006-04-11T01:08:00.000-07:00

read maxine's new post about 5 minutes ago. she's right. it's hard to have your so-called true friends not always being there for you. yes. we have our own flaws and all. but no one understood me. people always judge by what they see and notice. they don't look closer to what you feel inside. twas good i still have my real friends, who never left me. my fall back everytime things didn't work out. i used to hang out with them before, but since i have my new "kada", i just stopped hanging out with them. but it doesn't mean that i left them. they'll always be here in my heart.
i was hurt when my friends made me feel like i'm "invisible". it's like i don't exist. everything is not real. like what maxine calls it, "fake smiles", fake laughters with them. i'm not being myself whenever i am with them. i can't. maybe because i am afraid people will judge me and not take me as who and what i am. i have to pretend i'm someone else to avoid being judged. but hey, this is not the real me. i can't even open up my feelings to them. i can't tell them that i need a friend, who can understand me and help me through it all, not being judged, just being true to one's self. i can't even tell them how i feel. and whatever it is i feel right now, that's how you're making me feel. i don't matter.
i always gave you that chance. that's why i didn't leave before. but now, i'm tired. tired of what? tired of getting hurt, of not being myself, of not feeling the sense of belongingness in the group. of being useless. wlan din namang nkkaappreciate eh.
i've always thought about this. making sure of what i feel. making sure that my final decision will be okay. i cried so many times, you may not know it, pero before before pa. and again, i want to be insensitive. see, i'm a weak person but i'm trying to fight these feelings. i have to control it.
and yes. this one's part of our trial. together as a group, and me; as a part of the group. i don't matter, right? i don't even feel like i belong here. maybe we're better off like this anyway.

hard to say goodbye ..
but i have to ..

signing off~

2006-04-11T00:46:00.000-07:00

just checked my friendster account. shucks. i'm going to miss migui. she's been my friend, like, for about two years. new student sha nung first year. then, i don't know. nging kbarkada ko na sha. hehe. she has always been true to me. supportive, on whatever decision you make. she always encourages me and cheers me up when i was down. she never left me.
though i feel guilty for leaving our kada behind for another one, i treasured our friendship. and whatever happens, they'll still be my best friends. the one whom i can lean to. fall back ko ian eh. hehe. they've always been true to me.
thanks for everything. for encouraging me and not letting me lose hope. for those times na you stood up for me, for not leaving me behind though troubles and trials come our way and when i feel that the world's against me. for making me strong, for making me feel better, for making me believe in myself and all, THANK YOU DUDE. maybe i'm not going to be what i am now if it wasn't for you.
and though you're going away, maybe we'll not see each other again, but i'll always be here for you, no matter what happens. distance and time could not tear our friendship apart. again. i'll always be here for you. i'm going to miss you a lot. take care of yourself ok. :) loveia dude. :)

2006-04-10T03:21:00.000-07:00

anway, i just remembered from my previous post, i did not mean na these people are really being judgemental. it's just that i'm having doubts on who's true and who's not. after those times when people used to judge me, i have these trauma and phobia. if people will like me for who i am not. that's why sometimes it's easier for me to pretend. i just miss the old "me". carefree. but i want it back.

2006-04-09T05:38:00.000-07:00

intimidated. intimidated by the people who keep on asking questions about some personal stuffs. it's like, why don't you mind your own life?? y0u have your own right?! why mess with mine!? hai. i certainly don't like people who digs in your past, trying to know evrything that happened. it just puts me out of the mood, knowing some friends of yours do this. even though some says that they're just concerned about the current situation, what the?! sometimes i don't believe in people, they're just trying to make some alibis to cover they're real agenda. or to put up some tattletales. i don't know. i really don't know. after the past broken friendships i have. i treasured them all. they taught me some lessons, though some taught it at the hard way. one of them is not to give your trust to others easily. even at first i wasn't at ease with them. it's like i'm trying to be somebody else who i'm not. i hate that feeling. seems like you're hiding in a shell and not able to tell what you really feel-- it pains when people are judging by what they see, without looking what's really inside of you. they're -- judgemental.

2006-04-09T04:57:00.000-07:00

for now, i'll cry no more. i won't tolerate this. it's ok if people won't accept me for who i am. it doesn't matter. i just have to be me. and not pretend i'm someone who i am not.

i want to tell this people that it hurts being invisible to them. it seems that i'm not real to you. that i don't exist. and for you, these things doesn't matter. sometimes i just want to open this topic, but i can't. since i still don't have enough courage to tell this to you. maybe in time. but i will. just to let you know.

2006-03-30T03:32:00.000-08:00

shit. broken again. why can't i be insensitive? why do i have to get hurt? to learn from them. oh gawd. that line sucks. i'm tired of this shit. though i want to be optimistic, i can't. i don't know how i allow myself to be treated this way. look at the consequences. its like i'm going to drown in million tears. kala ko tapos nko sa gnito. di pa pla. many things are running in my mind. hayy. i just hope people will understand me. please bear with me.
i used to believe that i was a strong-willed person. but now i know. i'm not. maybe yes, but it was just like a mask. something that you use to hide what you really feel. at least i know now, i'm weak at heart.
it's like i have this strong wall built between me and the people i love.
i don't know how many tears i need to shed, but hey, i'm still young. more problems will come. but what i mean is not to feel the pain. to be insensitive. just even for awhile.

2006-03-20T07:00:00.000-08:00

hmm. i just saw an unfinished poem when i was scanning my last year's notebook. i continued it anyway while waiting for the others to finish the test .. here it goes .. =)

i was happy once
when we were together
i thought that this would last forever
not knowing you're inlove with her.

my heart sank.
with all its heartache and pain.
and a heart that's faint.

what's wrong with me?
why can't it be?
the person you're longing for,
is there something you want more?

It's easy for you to forget me
and all the memories we've shared.
how could that be?
of all the pains i beared. :c

my heart sank.
with all its heartaches and pain.
i know i can live without you. i know i can.

what's with me?
it's hard for me to forget you.
hard for me to let you go ..

what did i do wrong?
for you to leave me hanging?
what did i say?
for you to forget it all.

how could you just forget me?
i feel so empty.

I guess you didn't love me at all,
you left me waiting for your call.
foolish of me to fall for a person like you,
knowing from the start you don't feel the way i do.

my heart sank.
i feel weak. though i know i can live without you
there's something more that i could do.

one thing i've learned you shouldn't be expecting
cause when you feel all the hurting
it feels like you're being torn apart.

and don't go for something that will serve as nothing
don't get hurt too much
cause you cannot lose something at first, you never had.

2006-02-15T03:31:00.000-08:00

***... i was waiting for you to return, but you never came back ..

i thought you'll never leave me, but i understand. sorry if i wasn't able to .................... at least you've decided.

it's better off this way .. to go on with our lives .. it's just that i can't forget you .. but somehow i will .. i have to learn to let you go .. to hold off to our memories. twas you who lifted me up when i was down, helped me stood up for what i believe in .. for letting me see and appreciate the world when i cant .. who held me when i'm losing my grip ., you never left me alone .. you were there when i needed someone ..

i never should have let you go. my heart longs for you .. i want to be with you again. but maybe through this i could pay back all the things you've done .. for the sufferings i've caused, pains i gave you and all ..

i hope you'll be happy in whatever path you'll take, i'll just be here for you, staying right here, hoping, wishing and waiting ... ***

2006-02-15T03:26:00.000-08:00

no one understood me anyway ...

i can sense fear ., i should've followed my intuition ., i am trapped in this shell .. can't escape. i have to settle this all .. and one by one face the consequences .. its just when i thought that everything is going right, suddenly all went wrong.

tears begin to drop. my mind wanders .. what the hell was i doin?! i thought everything would fall in to the right path. and even though things go worse, i'll have to believe in myself, on what i can do to make the situation better. i only have me, on whom i can lean on ..

"..Tears fell from her eyes. can't stop the pain .. hoping someday she'll forget the one she loved most, the one she want to spend her life with .. but those sweet memories just faded away .."

it only hurts when i breathe ..

2006-02-07T18:50:00.000-08:00

currently at the comp sci., lab .. trying to make a webpage. uhmm .. sumthin related to feb. 14 .. hehe. i've decided to collect poems .. and .. uhmm .. i still don't know how to decorate it .. but i hope i can finish this .. hehe .. gtg. :D

2006-02-05T18:53:00.001-08:00

hehe. it's been a long time since i last updated this blog. even the other blog, uhmm .. i haven't updated it since last year. well, it would be too long if i'm going to write down all the things that happened. we're in comp sci., lab right now, trying to work on the iframe attributes. hehe. :) as much as i want to share all those thoughts, memories and all, i'll lack time. so maybe i'll put it one by one. :)
missed you all. :)

2006-02-05T18:53:00.000-08:00

2005-10-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

wahaha! our field trip was really fun. as in F-U-N. :D i came to school around 5:05 in the morning. well, i thought i was early since last year, i came at around the same time and there was only five of us in the classroom. but i was wrong. madami damie na sila pagdating ko. me and ren decided to stroll around downstairs. when we are about to go up, i saw a group of facilitators. it was the first time i met kuya oj. i wished he was the one assigned in 2nd year. well, yeah he was assigned in 2nd year. i also wished he was assigned to our class. fortunately, he was the one. haha. i was happy. at first, i thought that he was quiet, since he seems to be so shy. but when we're in the bus, he was really funny. he started telling some jokes, some even sucked, but it looks funny anyway because of the way he tells us his jokes. i don't know, but we really enjoyed his company. before we started the trip, i expected it was the last time i'm gonna see marshmallows and lollipop. of course, we can never see again because we have different destinations. we'll be going at mt. makiling laguna, 3rd year at 7 lakes; laguna, and 4th year at mt. banahaw; quezon- i think. mt. banahaw's at the back of mt. makiling. so the places were like connected in a way. i never thought that we'd end up seeing them at the stop over. that was why kuya oj didn't allow us to but at starbucks. i thought it's because of the plastic, since they were supporting this "zero-waste program". haha. anyway, kuya oj and the rest just told us that starbucks has slow service, it will take us a lot of time. but then, at the stop over, woah. andun ung 3rd and 4th year. it looked like we had an assembly. the 1st year had a different stop over since they were going north, us; south. i never thought i'm going to see marshmallows and lollipop. omg, if you'd only knew. i was happy. ^ ^
anyway, half of the day, (morning) it was boring. we walked and walked and looked at the raptors. but i can see kuya oj doing his best to keep us alive through his somewhat-corny-but-funny jokes. :D ayun, asaran kami nina richie, jeanne, alane and kuya oj. we had this codenames. since his name was long (oh by the way, it was oneter john fajardo) he made it short by making it "oj". richie told him if it was orange juice. lol. if you could see his reaction. richie, jeanne and alane called him "oneter", well, i don't like the name, so i decided to call him "fajardo", but instead of j going to be an h sound, i pronounced it with the j sound.) well, just to put a twist. hehe. he had nothing against us. he looked at our p.e. shirts and named richelle as "plantatio", jeanne "quasi", me "rosae" and alane "bermuda triangle".. wonder why? long story. haha. but at the end, he changed my codename with "lightning bolt" since my braces are shining and for him, it looked like an iron rod. lol.
we trekked, walked a lot, bathe in the not-so-clear river and all. it was not tiring as i expected. and i was energized in spite of the fact that i can hear "them" making stories bout me and all, because lollipop kept in touch. i thought with the start of the field trip, there'll be no contact between us, because after the field trip, it's already our sembreak. but i was wrong. i was glad i still can text her. though i can't contact marshmallow. but it's enough. i mean to have one person in contact. :D
we went home early, since almost all of us cooperated very well. hindi na kami nagpatagal. as in pag sinabi ng aalis na tayo, makkinig na lahat, tapos magbboad na. see, we're really cooperating. haha. ^ ^ i also learned many things from kuya Oj .. puro kalokohan. at first, i was against richelle telling kuya Oj about our offensive jokes to one of the students of UP Los Banos, kasi akala ko pagsasabihan niya kami, na wag ganun kasi bad un. haha. pero hindi. he even joined us. haha. he was like a kid. and good thing, he was not "cam-shy". i think he loves pictures. many of us had stolen shots of him, and whenever he notices someone taking pictures of him, he would pose, in this "tempting way" which he looked horny and funny. haha.
at school, ilang beses narin ako ng goodbye sakanya. tapos nung pauwi na ko, ng goodbye ulit. haha.
it was fun. really fun. i hope he's our facilitator again next year. ^^

2005-10-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

yehey! field trip tomorrow. i'm excited. :D well, just had our living rosary and the celebration of UN earlier this day. it was fun, watching the members of the social media club dancing in different costumes. kiko was funny. she looks cute in her japanese costume. they were all cute. richelle also, my supern0va .. she looks like a chinese baby. haha. also, this day, my o c h e e came back from hongkong!! i missed her .. but, i'm happy now that my sis is here .. :D
i want to sleep early today. i have a slight headache. maybe it's because of the long preparation for the UN. in the morning, we tried to finish the background, which was really big and ended up being ripped in the middle of our class presentation. (too bad.) we also helped the dancers, retouching their makeup and things, me and mkat went downstairs to get this very long bamboo to hold our background, we helped in cleaning up the classroom; especially cleaning the floor with thinner since it was full of paint. i guess i have to rest early so i have energy for the activities tomorrow. but i don't feel like sleeping. i want to talk to someone. i don't know. i just need someone to talk to.
my excitement for the field trip lessened, maybe because i know i haven't packed my things yet. i don't feel like coming. but i already passed the waiver. and, hello!? as if i'm going to allow myself to miss all the fun. haha! i hope everything will be alright. and after this field trip, i'm not going to see lollipop and marshmallows for 1 week. :( sembreak. i need to talk to them tomorrow before going to our field trip. sana maabutan ko sila ..

2005-09-30T22:20:00.000-07:00

just got back. we went to mkat's house. we need to do practice for the stupid test in PE.
anyway, i really want to let go with these anger, confusion and hatred.
i don't know why up to now, i'm still affected with these kind of things, but really. i am so .. aargh!
as if my friend would care bout those stupid things. you know for a fact that ching's a close friend of mine. so why'd you have to tell her? so, ano un? nananadya ka tlga?!to let others know that you're not serious with me before?! pinapalabas mo tlgang hindi ka seryoso sa lahat ng ginagawa mo, except jan kai ****?.. as if ching cares. get a life. we don't need you.
and you know, someone told me that one thing she likes about you is, you definitely know how to play and mix-up people's emotion. very true. will you just stop this stupid game? don't f*ck with our lives. get a life of your own. no more pretensions, no more lies. just stop it. damn.

2005-09-24T11:22:00.000-07:00

yeah. i'm alone now.

everything's over.

but it's ok.

i understand ..

just let me think about you one last time ..

one last time.

2005-09-23T21:20:00.000-07:00

my blood,

my poison,

my addiction.

2005-09-17T17:45:00.000-07:00

phew. got to pack my things. our retreat will be on 19, 20, 21 .. in sh0rt, it'll be this monday up to wednesday .. we're lucky if thursday will be our rest day .. it means we don't have classes for 4 days .. haha :D .. i hope my palancas for PG are not lost .. can't find lab0r's .. i hope kiko's palanca we'll be right on time :) .. our departing time is 8:00 .. s0 .. anyway, i'm not excited, nervous and all .. i can't feel the spirit of retreat .. d0n't know why .. but i wish i'm ready for it ..

2005-09-14T18:25:00.000-07:00

yey! 14 today!! .. i did answer her .. aww .. new life .. should forget p0p .. since i have someone new .. i hope this would last .. no matter what, i'll never gonna leave you .. i'll stay with you .. i hope that this would really last .... :) labSha s0 much ..!!! *mwahUgz*

2005-09-12T18:45:00.000-07:00

dedicated for the one i've loved before ..

as i sit here in the window thinking of you,
why do you always make me so blue?
just the thought of you crossing my mind,
there's a strange new feeling, i can find

ever since you've been here
everytime you go near
my mind starts to wander
thinking of you and me together

starting to build illusions
that often lead to confusions
nice memories starts to fade away,
everything seems so lost,
i don't know what to say ..

i've loved you before
though you have closed the door
still, i stood there waiting for you
i thought you were falling too.

it was such a strange feeling,
hard to deal with your feelings.
but then i was wrong
i need to walk for a mile long.

you used to know me
you knew my deepest desires,
my point of view,
though i don't know how you got a clue.

but then while waiting for you,
i found another person too ..
the person who made me feel complete,
the one who made my heart skip thrice a beat

She made me feel complete
love me more than i ever did
but then you knew
there's a sudden change in the way i do.

i felt bad
i felt sad
since you start sending off messages that hurt deep inside
causing a bruise that i need to hide.

could it be possible?
that the one i used to love the most,
has returned my favor,
and has secretly loved me back?

how come you didn't tell me
i've almost waited you for all my life ..
but i think it's too late,
for this is not my fate.

why'd you have to let go?
why didn't you just say no?
you made my life hard for me
you can't do anything, it's too late, so let it be ...

if i could just stop the time
and bring it back
to where we've been close
where summer ends so soon,
to where the sky fades to deep blue moon

if i could undo the things
and correct all wrong things that brings
pain to me,
i would, just to let it be ..

why do things happen on the wrong time?
it's too wrong to have you mine.
if your love's eternal,
if you cahn still wait for me,
whatever happens,
i'll still be in love with you ...
even in my next life ..
i hope you'll look for me ..
cause i'll do ..
look for you ............

--> yeah .. i used to write a lot of poems and stories .. when i feel sad .. i use this to express my feelings ..

2005-08-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

aaargh!!! why's it like that?! when i learned to love him that's the time he'll leave me! can this be true?! wake me up!! when will i be happy again?! bullcrap!.. i dont' know why i'm feeling this way .. why am i the one who always get hurt?.. i'm trying to stay away from him .. but of all the person .. why did i fall for him?.. i even waited for his stupid reply .. and everytime i get to see my cp without any message from him, i feel so sad ... i hope i know what i'm doing ..

2005-08-12T02:50:00.000-07:00

oh yeah ..new blog .. just testing it ..