Tuesday, April 11, 2006
INFATUATED.
SMITTEN.
BESOTTED.
read maxine's new post about 5 minutes ago. she's right. it's hard to have your so-called true friends not always being there for you. yes. we have our own flaws and all. but no one understood me. people always judge by what they see and notice. they don't look closer to what you feel inside. twas good i still have my real friends, who never left me. my fall back everytime things didn't work out. i used to hang out with them before, but since i have my new "kada", i just stopped hanging out with them. but it doesn't mean that i left them. they'll always be here in my heart.
i was hurt when my friends made me feel like i'm "invisible". it's like i don't exist. everything is not real. like what maxine calls it, "fake smiles", fake laughters with them. i'm not being myself whenever i am with them. i can't. maybe because i am afraid people will judge me and not take me as who and what i am. i have to pretend i'm someone else to avoid being judged. but hey, this is not the real me. i can't even open up my feelings to them. i can't tell them that i need a friend, who can understand me and help me through it all, not being judged, just being true to one's self. i can't even tell them how i feel. and whatever it is i feel right now, that's how you're making me feel. i don't matter.
i always gave you that chance. that's why i didn't leave before. but now, i'm tired. tired of what? tired of getting hurt, of not being myself, of not feeling the sense of belongingness in the group. of being useless. wlan din namang nkkaappreciate eh.
i've always thought about this. making sure of what i feel. making sure that my final decision will be okay. i cried so many times, you may not know it, pero before before pa. and again, i want to be insensitive. see, i'm a weak person but i'm trying to fight these feelings. i have to control it.
and yes. this one's part of our trial. together as a group, and me; as a part of the group. i don't matter, right? i don't even feel like i belong here. maybe we're better off like this anyway.
hard to say goodbye ..
but i have to ..
signing off~
x1:08 AM
